For this process, I will use the terms perpetrator and target. These words might carry strong connotations, but for our purposes, they simply mean:

• The perpetrator is the one who caused harm.

• The target is the one who experienced harm.

In many situations, a person can be both the perpetrator and the target. This process helps repair relationships by addressing harm in a meaningful way.

1. Confession

The first step is for the perpetrator to acknowledge what they did and how it caused harm. This is important because it validates the target’s experience and shows that the harm is understood. The harm does not have to be intentional to still occur. If the perpetrator does not understand how harm was caused, ask and clarify until both parties are satisfied they understood and are heard. 

Example: I got really mad and I yelled at you. I see that yelling encourages fear. I chose to not react with kindness.  

2. Asking for Forgiveness

When harm is done, it shifts the power in the relationship—putting the target in a diminished position, even if unintentionally. Asking for forgiveness is an act of surrendering that control. It puts the decision in the hands of the target and expresses a commitment to change. The perpetrator is asking their target to choose to not seek vengeance, to not use this action as proof of evil intent in the future, and to give grace to the perpetrator for the actions done. 

However, asking for forgiveness doesn’t mean the perpetrator can promise perfection. Mistakes may still happen, but what matters is their effort to make different choices moving forward.

Example: Will you forgive me for yelling and not responding with kindness? 

3. Forgiving

If the target chooses to forgive, it means they are agreeing to move forward without using the past harm as a weapon in the future. Forgiveness is not about ignoring the risk of being hurt again—it’s a choice to extend mercy rather than hold onto resentment. It is a choice that the perpetrator is worth staying in relationship with, even in light of the harm done. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Our brains are not wired to forget when or how we have been harmed. 

The target must be allowed to say, “No.” The target is incapable of saying, “Yes, I forgive you,” unless they are fully allowed to say, “No, I do not forgive you.” Most of the time, “No” means “Not yet”. If that is the case it usually means the target needs to work through some of what they are feeling, thinking, or believing about the perpetrator and/or the activity that caused harm. It is important to give the target time. Saying “Yes” is a pretty big commitment.  

Example: Yes, I choose to forgive you for yelling and for the lack of kindness. 

4. Making Amends

The perpetrator asks: What can I do to make this right?

This step is about repairing the relationship in a meaningful way. The target and perpetrator work together to create a plan for rebuilding trust and restoring balance. This step must happen after forgiveness. Forgiveness is not paying a debt; it is a grace freely given. 

I encourage the acts of making amends to be similar to what went wrong. It is the perpetrator’s responsibility to offer and complete the tasks of making amends. It needs to be in collaboration with the target. If the amends are not meaningful to the target, then restoration will not be achieved.

Example:
Perpetrator: What can I do to make our relationship right? 

Target: I felt uncared for when you yelled at me. I would feel cared for if we went out on a mini-date for ice cream.  

Perpetrator: I would love to do that, do you want to go now? 

This process isn’t always easy, but it lays a foundation for healing and growth. If you would like help in navigating this process of restoration, click the button below to fill out an interest form. I will respond within a business day.